On wooing. Ordering at a restaurant.

If you ever have reason to entertain a lady friend or partner for the evening, and goodness knows there is every reason why you might, be sure to take her to a restaurant.

A meal is de rigour when it comes to matters of the fairer sex and the sun's plummet toward the horizon. As Reshua once famously quoted, "let them be fed!"

Before I go on I would like to remind the gentlereader that under no circumstances should you attempt to cook a meal for your lady friend. This is one of the vilest acts of cruelty and contempt you could ever bestow upon so beautiful a being. It is an embarrassing, self deprecating act of folly and if by some incredible stroke of misfortune the repast turns out to be delicious it will confirm to her that your intentions are indeed false leaving her feeling betrayed and violated.

Once you have chosen a suitable restaurant arrange to meet her thirty yards down the road from said dining house. This one to two minute walk is important as it allows you to work up an appetite before the prandial vacation.

Once inside there are various hazards and dangers you must, under all circumstances, avoid.

1. Always make sure you are between her and the specials board. A lady likes to feel looked after. By letting her glimpse the chefs specialities you are effectively giving her choice. You are not being attentive enough and are causing within her a feeling of isolation and loneliness, the same feeling a child may experience on their first extended trip away from home. It also keeps the restaurant’s pricing scheme under wraps.

2. Once you are sat it is imperative she not look at the menu. It is a good idea to arrange this with the waiter beforehand so no embarrassment ensues. For reason see point 1.

3. When the waiter comes over order whatever takes your fleeting fancy. After you are done order for the lady. The meal must be tasty but not too tasty, light, airy, not filling, aesthetically beautiful, warm and completely forgettable. It is your company that matters and talk may stray away from you if the food is so good as to warrant its own segment of the conversation. The wine will always be suitable for the both of you despite the difference in dishes.

4. Make sure it is you who drinks most of the wine. Ladies like not having a fair share of everything. This is intrinsically important as a squiffy lady in public is unacceptable and you will be asked to leave the restaurant.

5. Have the waiter take the plates away after you have finished but before the lady has. Remind her how ravishing she is looking and make it known how important it is to you that she maintains her ravishing appearance.

These are the main pitfalls. Others will be covered later but such matters are best taken in smaller segments due to their importance.

Once the bill is settled (away from the table) make sure you pay for her carriage home. Once she disappears round the corner head to your club to relate the evening’s events to your friends. The opinions of inebriated friends are invaluable when deciding whether or not to continue your relationship.

On wooing. Architecture.

One day you might find yourself taking a turn about town with a lady. This is perfectly normal and is one of the first steps into a relationship. Whatever your ultimate purpose it is highly important that you cement within her a feeling of warmth towards you. This can be done in a variety of ways. The first we present to you is thus.

You are taking a stroll down one of Londons beautiful throughfares. "How lovely" she might say or "look at that marvellous building!" Do not be concerned that topics have wandered away from you or what you do for a living, the lady is merely expressing an interest and love for an ancient craft: Architecture.

A word of warning here. She must only express an interest in the appearance or façade of the building. If she says something to the effect of, "I admire that brickwork!" or "that's a very sophisticated gable, I wonder how it affects the load of the roof upon the front wall?" then you should leave immediately for you have accidentally become involved with a labourer. A lady should admire the "Romany looking poles" or the "rummy sort of creature type bits with the water coming out" and should never be interested in how the cement was mixed.

Once the interest from the lady is made public you should engage her with everything you know about architecture. A good introduction to the subject is Sir Joshua Cornice's book, "Architecture brick by brick" published by Lewington Lewington, London. Once you have left the company of the lady act swiftly. Wander down to you local builders merchant and procure a pallet of bricks. Once the order has arrived deliver it to your lady friends residents and have her butler install it in her boudoir. On returning home the lady will be so overwhelmed with joy at the find that she may very well shed a tear. She will regard the object as the foundation stones of your relationship and a bright future is sure to ensue.